A Day In The Life Of A Southern Utahn
Whenever someone out of state finds out I'm a Southern Utahn, I always have the SAME QUESTIONS! So I decided to give an IN-DEPTH look at A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SOUTHERN UTAHN!
1. Wake up, brush my teeth and gargle my Dirty Dr. Pepper (Thanks Swig).
Every Utahn starts their day with the sweet nectar of Utah: A 44 oz. Dr. Pepper with Coconut syrup. Rinse with it for optimal results.
2. I leave my room and kiss my 4 moms good morning.
It's a well-known fact that we all have multiple moms, but only one dad! Not to mention... All our siblings!
3. I wrangle up my 42 siblings for family prayer.
Like I said... With all of our moms, we're bound to have TONS of siblings! At this point, I don't even remember half their names.
4. We all pledge allegiance to Maverik.
This place has a Maverick on every corner. It's Adventure's First Stop. Think 7-11 on steroids.
5. Snort a spoonful of Fry Sauce in the bathroom at work.
It's no secret Ketchup + Mayo = LIQUID GOLD. You eat it with fries, corn dogs, chicken, pizza, or you put a little in your hair when you're having a rough day.
6. Have lunch. Funeral Potatoes and Green Jell-O.
Utah Delicacies, Funeral Potatoes are shredded potatoes, sour cream, cream of chicken soup, onions, topped with corn flakes. Served at funerals, wedding receptions, baptisms, or just an average Tuesday.
7. Leave work, and secretly tail my neighbors to make sure they're not stopping at Starbucks.
We CANNOT let our neighbors drink coffee. It's our job to make sure they don't do it. They can't be putting something so unhealthy in their bodies.
8. Stop off at Crumbl for my daily 900 calorie cookie.
Is it a cookie? Is it half a cake? I don't know... All I know is I need a shot of insulin after I eat one.
9. Drive by the local Liquor Store to see if I recognize any cars (If successful, turn them into local clergy.)
Again, same with the Starbucks thing. It's my responsibility to keep an eye on neighbors, friends, or co-workers and make sure they're not going to any liquor stores. If they are, a well placed call to their clergy will do the trick. I'm just looking out for their salvation, man.
10. Drop by Swig for tonight's Riptide, and tomorrow's Dirty Dr. Pepper.
It's simple. Just a multi-million dollar enterprise based on $2.00 drinks. We need them everyday. Yeah, I can get it anywhere but this way, I can sit in line for 40 minutes in my car instead of having to walk inside a store for 2 minutes.
I then sleep, and wake up and do the exact same thing over again... That's A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A UTAHN!