I've spent about 41 of my 58 years on this planet residing in the great state of Utah.

I went to college in Utah (BYU and Utah State), got married in Utah (Jordan River Temple) and had five kids in this state (one in Logan, the other four in St. George). I even own a burial plot here.

So I feel like I can make jokes -- even make fun -- of this great state and have most people understand that they are just jokes. So no hate here, just some good old-fashioned fun.

Ute Jokes

  • Superman, Santa Claus, a super-talented Ute football player and an excellent BYU player all reach for a piece of cake at the same time ... who gets the cake? Answer: The excellent BYU player because the other three are all make-believe.
  • How do you tell if someone is a Utah graduate? Answer: Look for their class ring when they pick their nose.
  • What do you get when you crossbreed a Ute football player and a groundhog? Answer: Six more weeks of bad football.
  • What’s the difference between the Utah Utes football team and a dollar bill? Answer: You get four quarters out of a dollar.
  • How do you get a Utah grad off your front porch? Answer: Pay him for the pizza.
  • What did the Utah Ute get on his SAT? Answer: Drool.
  • How many Utah freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:  None, that's a sophomore level course.
  • Did you hear about University of Utah's honor code? Answer: Yes, your honor. No, your honor. Thank you, your honor.
  • Why can't the University of Utah do the nativity scene? Answer: Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
  • And one for the BYU haters: What happened when they let a man-eating Tiger loose on BYU's campus? Answer: It starved to death.

State jokes

  • Hear about the man in Utah County that makes cheese all by himself? Answer: They call him the Provo Lone guy.
  • What runs but never gets out of breath? Answer: The Santa Clara River.
  • What is the tallest building in St. George? The Washington County library -- it has the most stories.
  • What's the capitol of Washington County? Answer: W.
  • Why is the Virgin River rich? Answer: Because it has two banks.
  • How do you know you’re in front of a Utah firing squad? Answer: They are standing in a circle.
  • Tourist“Lived in St. George all your life?” STG Resident“No, not yet.”
  • A guy goes into a bar in Hurricane and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Hurricane joke. The bartender says, “Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I’m from Hurricane. See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s 6-4 and weighs 250 and he’s from Hurricane, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He’s 6-6 and weighs 280 and he’s from Hurricane, too! Now, do you still want to tell your Hurricane joke?” The guy says, “Nah.” To which the bartender smiles and says, “What’s the matter? Are ya chicken?” The guy says, “Nah. I just don’t want to have to explain it three times.”
  • A Catholic in Utah once told me, "If you ever want to go fishing with a Mormon, make sure you bring two of them." -- "Why's that?" I asked. -- "If you just bring one he will drink all your beer."
  • One day in the Vatican, the Pope summoned his entire staff for a major announcement. When they were all seated, he looked up solemnly from his desk and told them he had good news and bad news. “We're ready for some good news,” they said. “I’ve just received a telegram documenting a miracle. There is undeniable proof that Jesus has come back to live among us in the flesh.” The staff erupts in celebration. Their joy is manic. They have never been so happy. When they finally calm down, someone says, “Father, our prayers have been answered! It’s beyond wonderful. How could there be any bad news with this? The Pope replied, “The telegram was sent from Salt Lake City.”
  • And finally, this creed for life was on a Southern Utah man's tombstone:
    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
    3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
    5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

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